More people identify as bisexual than as lesbian or gay. Yet bisexuality tends to be largely misunderstood, and people who are bi are exposed to “so many negative messages, both from heterosexual people and from lesbian and gay people,” says Tania Israel, a professor emerit of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who gave a TEDx Talk on bisexuality. “A lot of bisexual people don’t actually openly identify as bisexual, to a large extent because of the concern about exclusion and the negativity that they get.”
The worst—and most common—reaction Israel hears is that bisexuality doesn’t exist. When someone says they’re bi, other people often scoff, challenging what the other person told them or retorting that they must simply be confused. “Some people will say, ‘Well, I think it’s just a phase—you’re on your way to coming out as lesbian or gay,’” Israel says. “Interestingly, people often think that bisexual women are really straight, and bisexual men are really gay. Everybody thinks people are actually attracted to men.”
Why people tend to dismiss bisexuality
Gender still plays a prominent role in how many people categorize others. When someone reveals that gender isn’t the most important characteristic in terms of who they’re attracted to, or shares that they’re attracted to more than one gender, “that really threatens this primacy of gender,” Israel says.
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Derogatory, invalidating comments can take a toll on people who identify as bi. “One of the things we know is that when people encounter those kinds of messages, it can affect their mental health,” Israel says. “It certainly can affect their relationship with that person, and it can also affect whether or not they want to share that information with other people.”
A slew of offensive remarks
Another bucket of common responses when someone reveals they’re bi: comments that reduce the person to their sexuality or hypersexualize them. “They’re like, ‘OK, bisexuals exist, but only for sex,’” Israel says. People often make comments like: “Are you coming on to me?” Or, if they come out as bisexual to their partner, their partner might think that they’re trying to open the relationship. “The assumption is that bisexual people must have sex at all times, with more than one gender,” Israel says. “Another terrible thing people do is, they’ll say, ‘Oh, do you want to have a threesome?’ It’s reducing somebody to sex, and it’s very objectifying.”
Sometimes, people take another approach: They tell the person who’s bisexual to “prove it.” Israel has found that they might ask: “Have you had sex with both men and women? Are you equally attracted to both men and women?” “It’s very intrusive,” she says. “There’s a huge basket of terrible things people can say.”
What to say instead
When people are appropriately supportive to those who are bisexual, it can make a “measurable difference in terms of positive mental health,” Israel says.
There are a variety of ways to do that. For starters, when someone comes out as bi to you, thank them for telling you and trusting you. Let them know you’re there for them if they need an ear, and consider adding: “I’d love to hear more about what bisexuality means to you, because any sexual orientation can mean so many different things,” Israel suggests. It can be helpful to add: “I know there are a lot of great things about being bisexual, but I also know that bisexual people sometimes face negativity and exclusion. What’s it been like for you?”
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Make it a point, too, to ask your friend whether they’ve been able to find good role models and resources. People who are bi tend to be less connected with the LGBTQ+ community, Israel says, which can lead to feelings of isolation. Organizations like amBi have chapters around the U.S., and the Bisexual Resource Center works to help the bi community thrive.
If you’re not bisexual, make it a point to learn more about how your friend identifies, too. That can help ensure you have the most supportive conversations possible. “It’s not uncommon for stereotypes to pop up in people’s minds when somebody comes out to them, so this is one of those times where if that happens, you don’t necessarily need for it to come out of your mouth,” Israel says. “It’s helpful to educate yourself—but not to rely on a bisexual person to educate you about bisexuality. Go do some of your own learning, and then you can be a more supportive person.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
