Say goodbye to abrupt departures, that awkward am-I-staying-or-going dance, and hovering anxiously (and conspicuously) near the door.
There’s an art to bidding your host adieu, even if you’re slipping out earlier than expected—and experts say it’s a skill that can serve you well at any gathering, any time of year.
Here’s exactly what to say to deliver a great goodbye.
A foolproof formula
Researchers have a name for ending an interaction: “leave-taking behavior,” which encompasses all the verbal and non-verbal ways you signal you’re saying goodbye. There are two main components of any good exit, says Amy Arias, a senior lecturer of communication studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, who specializes in interpersonal communication.
The first is an exit statement, also known as a departure statement. These are a couple short, to-the-point words that make it clear you’re leaving: “Heading out!” Or: “It’s time!”
“It’s important not to over-explain,” Arias says. “You don’t use qualifiers or hedgers, so no phrasing like, ‘Probably time to leave,’ or ‘Probably should get going,’ because then it opens you up to, ‘No, no, no, so-and-so is going to make a toast,’ or, ‘Oh wait, we haven’t brought out the cake yet.’” There’s no need to provide any reason for leaving, like telling your friend you have to relieve the babysitter. If you do, you’re providing an opportunity for them to try convincing you to stay. (“Just pay your sitter a few extra dollars! They’ll love the money!”) Next thing you know, it’s 45 minutes later and…you’re still there.
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The second part of leave-taking is expressing your gratitude to the host, which calls for another straightforward and succinct two words. Arias usually opts for: “Amazing party!” Or: “Such fun!”
While you could switch the order of your exit statement and expression of gratitude, Arias finds it’s particularly smooth to end with your appreciation. “It’s helpful because it takes the focus away from me departing, and it moves it back to the host: ‘You did such a wonderful job, and this was so delightful,’” she says. “When ordering it that way, it closes the conversation on my leaving.”
As you’re saying goodbye—“Slipping out! Lovely gathering!”—keep your non-verbal behavior in mind, too, Arias advises. Smile, nod your head, and maybe you put your hands in the air to indicate there’s nothing you can do, it’s simply time to go, she says. These tactics “allow us to emphasize and supplement what we’re saying verbally to really reinforce that message.”
If you want to add some levity…
Richie Frieman, a manners and etiquette expert, likes to add an extra splash of personality to his departures—and humor is his preferred way of doing so. Among his favorite one-liners: “I’ll be answering for this party at my 8 a.m. workout class tomorrow” and “I’m going to head out before I hit the buffet for round five.”
“Humor breaks the ice of the awkwardness a little bit,” he says. “It’s also a compliment: ‘I ate so much, I loved the cake, that crab dip was so good.’ When people have an event or a party, they want to know that the people they invited enjoyed it.”
Frieman has also found that this quip goes over well: “Like my grandfather always said, ‘If you yawn, you’re gone.’”
“It’s a funny way of saying, ‘Look, man, I’m tired,’” he says. “It’s a cheeky way to get a smile from the host before you leave.”
Is it ever OK to leave without saying goodbye?
Communication and etiquette experts used to believe that sneaking out without saying goodbye was rude. But the tide is turning. These days, Arias says, some people even display signage at their wedding reception giving people permission to leave whenever, however they’d like. It might read: “When you’re ready to leave, please feel free to go. The bride and groom are enjoying their party and appreciate you being here.” That can feel liberating, she adds, because guests don’t have to worry about tracking down the newlyweds and “disrupting the flow” of the party.
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“There’s not a universal yes or no” on whether a quick, unannounced departure is acceptable, “but the trend is shifting toward, ‘Yeah, they’re OK, and sometimes they’re very appropriate,’” Arias says. If you choose to disappear into the night, however, you should always send a follow-up message like a text or, if it’s a professional gathering, an email. Make it brief and to-the-point: “I had to run, but the party was amazing. Thank you for including me.” “That way, when the host or hostess comes back to reality after cleaning up and decompressing, they’ll see this lovely message of how much you enjoyed yourself,” she says. “They probably didn’t even notice that you snuck out.”
There is, however, an important caveat: these exits don’t work in every situation. You can only pull one off if you’re part of a large crowd—not one of eight people at a dinner party. “If it’s a small group and you skip out the door, people are going to notice,” Frieman says. “Context matters.” In those situations, just remember that four magic words are all you need, and you’ll be on your merry way.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
