You’ve seen the signs for months: the spiraling texts, the ill-timed meltdowns, the same painful story on repeat. You care about this person. You’re exhausted by this person. And you’re starting to wonder: Can you tell them they need therapy?
The short answer is “yes,” experts agree. But the delivery makes all the difference. “It needs to happen in a very gentle and vulnerable way,” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York whose clients often ask her how to suggest that their boyfriend, best friend, or mom go to therapy. “Your vulnerability is the greatest asset you have when you’re trying to encourage someone else to be vulnerable.”
We asked experts how to suggest that your loved one try therapy without pushing them away.
Setting expectations
Almost anyone could benefit from seeing a therapist, but certain signs suggest it’s time to move from “maybe someday” to “sooner rather than later.” If your friend or family member is struggling to keep up with daily responsibilities, constantly ruminating about relationship issues, or expressing a sense of hopelessness, consider bringing it up, says Francesca Emma, a therapist in New York. The same is true if you’ve noticed a consistent shift in mood. “It’s not just having a bad day. When you see someone you love with either a really anxious mood shift or a depressing mood shift,” it’s time to urge them to seek help, she says.
Some people—especially those in older generations—aren’t sure what therapy entails; or, they picture a Freudian-like scene featuring a patient stretched out on a leather couch while a silent analyst takes notes. It can be helpful to explain exactly what to expect. Therapy isn’t just about talking through feelings; rather, it often centers on practical skill-building. Therapists teach their clients how to set boundaries, express their needs clearly, navigate conflict, recognize unhealthy dynamics, repair after disagreements, and much more. “We’re not fixing you,” Emma says. “We’re helping make you a better version of yourself.”
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Your friend might protest that they already have people to talk to—hello, aren’t they in conversation with you? When that happens, remind them that having supportive friends isn’t the same as having professional support. “Therapy isn’t the place where you’re just venting about all the things that are wrong,” Gluck says. While she’s happy to listen to people blow off steam when they need to, therapy is so much more than letting it all out to a sympathetic ear. “It’s about having a space where you have someone who’s in the driver’s seat who’s going to help guide you through whatever problem you’re going through, and help shift your perspective,” she says. “They’re going to ask you meaningful questions. They’re going to challenge you when you’re feeling really resistant, and they’re going to push you to get out of your comfort zone and grow.”
Finding the right words
When you approach your friend or family member, keep your tone casual yet straightforward. Gluck suggests wording your initial check-in like this: “Hey, I feel like we’ve been talking about X, Y, and Z a lot, and I’ve noticed you’re really struggling. I’ve struggled like this in the past, and I tried therapy and it’s really helped. Would you want to explore that?”
The more you open up about your own experience with therapy, the better, Gluck says. You don’t need to reveal the nitty-gritty of what your sessions focus on, but a bit of personal context can go a long way toward easing their resistance. For example: “I thought it would be scary, too, and it actually isn’t.”
If you feel like your partner could benefit from therapy—and you’re having a tough time in your relationship because they’re not working on themselves—it can help to explain how their stress is affecting you, too. Gluck suggests leading with empathy: “You’ve been dealing with all that stuff with your family, and I’m feeling like it’s taking away from our relationship. That’s making me scared and sad. You know how much I love you and want to be with you, and it’s really important to me that you take care of yourself and have a space outside of our relationship to talk about this.”
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No matter which exact words you choose, focusing on “I” statements is key, Emma stresses. For example, you might say: “I hear what you’re saying right now, and it sounds really difficult. I think a therapist might be able to help with that.”
“You” statements, on the other hand—“You need help”—rarely land well. “The minute we use that word, it takes on more of a defensive nature,” she says. “To someone who can’t handle constructive criticism, it feels as though there’s something wrong with them, or they did something wrong.”
There are other harmful comments to avoid, too. “You definitely don’t want to say, ‘You’re crazy,’ or ‘You’re never going to get better if you don’t get therapy,’” Emma says. Ultimatums and threats don’t work. They’ll only drive the person you care about deeper into defensiveness.
When to drop it
In order to benefit from therapy, somebody has to want to be there. Gluck has had plenty of clients shuffle into her office because their parents or romantic partner pressured them to make an appointment, yet they weren’t actually open to the idea. “If you’re not invested, you’re not going to get anything out of it,” she says. “Don’t force anyone.”
If your friend is adamant that therapy won’t help them, Emma suggests letting the conversation go. “You put it out there and let it simmer, because if you continue to go back and forth, it’s like you’re the expert in something,” she says. “We are not the expert in someone else’s life.”
Gluck, meanwhile, is partial to this phrasing when someone resists: “I totally get that—I used to feel the same way. Sometimes it’s nice to have a third party, but if you’re really not interested right now, I’ll drop it.” Or you could keep it short and sweet: “No worries, it was just a suggestion.”
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If a few weeks or months pass, and your loved one is still struggling, it’s OK to try again. Gluck recommends bringing it up like this: “I know we talked about therapy a couple months ago. It sounds like whatever you’re going through is still really intense, and I think it’s time we figure out a plan, because you shouldn’t have to live like this.”
“It’s all coming from, ‘This isn’t fair to you to be living with your head like this,’” she says. “There could be another path.”
When and where to bring it up
You don’t need to wait for the perfect environment to start talking about therapy. Whenever and wherever the topic comes up organically or feels natural is best. “As mental-health professionals, we’re really pushing toward destigmatizing therapy,” Gluck says. She wants more people to normalize mental-health care as part of everyday life. “If you’re at dinner and someone’s talking, you could just be like, ‘Hey, have you thought about therapy? I feel like you would really like it,’” she says.
If you dramatically pull someone aside, on the other hand, and tell them you need to have a talk, they’ll probably be freaked out by your serious tone—and are less likely to respond well to your suggestion. It risks turning a supportive nudge into a confrontation.
“This doesn’t need to be a life-or-death conversation. You’re having a conversation with someone you love and talking about this really normal, healthy thing,” Gluck says. “If your friend came to you and said they were getting migraines and they were feeling nauseous all the time, you would say, ‘You need to go to a neurologist. Go see a doctor right now.’ Let this be the exact same thing.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
