This year, there’s been an uptick in people being accused of being horrible or insensitive for refusing to swap seats on flights—usually, it’s because they refused to swap seats with a parent, or some other family member. But as Travel + Leisure has already established, you’re not wrong in keeping the seat you paid for. However, knowing you’re legally and morally in the clear doesn’t always make it easier to handle the pressure of someone asking you to swap.
To delve deeper into this recurring phenomenon and how to respond in the moment, T+L spoke with conflict resolution expert Emily Skinner.
Skinner provided insight on how these moments can escalate, what to do when someone doesn’t accept “no,” and what you should do when someone starts to film you. Hopefully, you’ll never be faced with someone being weird or unpleasant about a seat swapping situation. But if you are, here’s what you need to know.
1. Know your conflict style
It is impossible to know what kind of people you will encounter when you’re traveling. Skinner said the first step in resolving conflict is to know how you respond to it. Before you ever get on the plane, think about how you have responded to getting asked to do things you don’t want to do. “That type of awareness of what type of conflict style you have also kind of sets you up for success,” Skinner explained. “You know what might trigger you or not, even before getting on a plane, or in any kind of conflict.”
Take a minute to think of how you respond in stressful situations. “A lot of times we can be passive, and so we just accept things,” said Skinner. The other style is to “be assertive in knowing what your boundaries are and what you want.”
Knowing how you tend to respond can help you better manage your emotions when thrust into a stressful situation. If someone starts yelling at you because you declined to give up your window seat for a middle seat 10 rows back, are you going to want to start yelling back? Are you going to clam up? “Know what your triggers are. Know what is your threshold for being overstimulated,” Skinner elaborated. “The more that you’re aware of those triggers, or that there are lots of triggering things happening around you, it gives you a lot more autonomy over your own body.”
2. Try to de-escalate
If you tell someone that you don’t want to switch seats after they ask and they don’t just say, “Okay, cool” and then walk away, you might need to deploy a few de-escalation tactics. “One way would be to validate that you heard them and you understand, but you planned ahead for this your seat and you’d like to stay where you are,” Skinner said.
If that explanation doesn’t work, then it is time to tap out. “Especially in such a small space like in an airplane, I think it’s important not to take it further than there,” Skinner explained. “If they continue to kind of push you, that’s where I would call in a flight attendant. Because now they’re just trying to bully you.”
3. It’s not your job to manage the situation
When someone is confronting you on an airplane, continuing to try to resolve the problem on your own is not only not your responsibility, but it might actually make things worse. “That’s not your responsibility to manage that [the seat swapper] is uncomfortable with your decision,” Skinner said. “Call in a third party, a flight attendant. That is part of their job, to manage customer expectations and needs.”
“Be clear about the decision that you’re making,” Skinner continued. “If it goes any further than that, that’s when I would definitely call in a flight attendant for support.”
4. Keep your cool, even if you are filmed
One part of public conflict these days is that it’s liable to be filmed. If this happens to you, Skinner said it is important to remain calm, even if you feel like you’re on the defensive. “One part of that is managing your own triggers, because even just hearing that situation, like one would want to go get defensive, right?” Skinner said that when a camera comes out, “it’s very easy to go into fight or flight mode.”
The best course of action is to give a very subdued and automatic response and engage minimally, if at all. “You can double down on your decision,” Skinner said. She recommends something like “I understand you’re not happy with my decision,” or “I understand that you’re not happy” or “This may be difficult for you, but we can wait for a flight attendant.”
“With filming, the only thing you have to be clear on is: I’m not giving you permission to film me and stating that,” Skinner said. “Less engagement with them is better, because they’re trying to push you. Their resistance to accepting your decision is more about them and they’re trying to bully you into that.”
5. Conflict isn’t always antagonistic
When most people think of an awkward situation between someone asking to swap seats and the other person refusing, they often picture a loud or aggressive scenario. Sometimes, the pressure to give in can feel more subtle—guilt tripping or begging. They might need to sit next to their travel partner for a legitimate reason. But, if you don’t want to move from your assigned seat, it is still not your responsibility to resolve it for them.
“It’s important to remember that both of those things can exist at the same time,” Skinner explained. “They have needs, but your needs are just as important. You chose your seat and you want to be there or you don’t want to move. You don’t even have to explain that.”
You don’t have to explain yourself or provide a reason to decline. “You can be compassionate and acknowledge that it may be tough or difficult or uncomfortable, and that you plan on staying in your seat.”
Are you as engrossed in the seat swapping cultural debate as the rest of the internet? Travel + Leisure has spoken to legal experts, flight attendants and etiquette experts, about the issue. We even have tips on how to ask to swap seats without causing any of the aforementioned nightmare scenarios above.
