There are two straightforward—and simple—ways to respond to social invitations: Tell the host you’ll be there, or that you won’t be. Yet people find all kinds of offensive ways to reply instead.
The worst one of all is becoming increasingly common, especially by text, says Jamila Musayeva, an etiquette coach who posts videos about modern manners on YouTube. She’s lost track of the number of times someone has responded to an invite by asking who else will be there—which is code for questioning whether it’s actually going to be any fun. (It’s even more insulting than asking what kind of food will be served.) “It’s usually like, ‘I won’t come unless there’s someone there I want to see,’” she says. “It’s degrading the whole experience to just wanting to hang out with one person,” or a specific group of potential guests who are…not the person issuing the invite.
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No wonder hosts take this kind of response personally. Musayeva equates it to saying: “You’re not interesting; I don’t want to be entertained by you. I’m more interested in who’s coming.” If the guest list doesn’t impress, no big deal—a better offer likely awaits. “It’s definitely something you should never, ever say,” she says.
If you must find out who’s going in advance, do some subtle research on the side: Maybe send a private message to a friend and ask if they’re privy to any additional details about the party. Just make sure that detective work doesn’t travel back to the host.
When RSVPs go MIA
Implying that there’s more fun to be had elsewhere isn’t the only way you can botch your response to a social invitation. Being super vague about your plans—“Maybe I’ll stop by”—or not bothering to respond at all puts the host in a tough spot, and will likely get you kicked off future invite lists.
“When you RSVP ‘no,’ you’re doing the host a favor,” says etiquette teacher Lisa Mirza Grotts. “Clarity is kinder than a ‘maybe.’” If you’re truly not sure if you can make an event, she suggests wording your response like this: “I’d love to come, but I know what it’s like to be a host, and I know you need answers. I don’t want to leave you hanging.” See how your friend responds, Grotts says: They might tell you they don’t mind if you play it by ear, or agree that it’s best to count you out this time so they can finalize the catering order. Either way, you’ll be on the same page, and no one will be waiting around, unable to sort out plans.
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Another way to avoid the infuriating question-mark response is to specify exactly when you’ll get back to the host, even if they didn’t mention an RSVP date. If a neighbor asks your family to come over for a cookout, for example, you might respond: “Hey, could I get back to you on Friday?” “Now your host knows they can check in with you on Saturday if they haven’t heard from you by Friday,” says etiquette expert Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. “You’ve talked about it, you’ve had a little exchange, you’ve acknowledged it. Acknowledgement is such a huge part of playing a good guest, even when you’re just in the role of being invited and aren’t even at the party yet.”
The way you treat an invitation speaks to how much you value your relationships. As Post says, an invite to watch the game, grab a drink, or attend a dinner party is someone’s way of asking if you want to spend time together. “Even if your true, internal reaction is that no, you really wouldn’t like to, it is so nice that someone out in the world wants to spend time with you,” she says.
Post suggests putting yourself in the host’s shoes and proceeding with what she considers the three principles of etiquette: consideration, respect, and honesty. “It’s important to recognize that you would want people to get back to you in a timely fashion, so get back to your host in a timely fashion,” she says. “We should treat our invitations with care, because they’re the start of what connects us. They’re the beginning of the way we create community.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
