Sometimes the most important relationships are the hardest to maintain. If you fall off track—and many people who were once close do—it’s possible to find your way back to each other with time and effort. “I have so many clients who have strained emotional relationships,” says Jenny Shields, a psychologist and bioethicist in Houston. One of the most common refrains she hears: “I used to be so close with mom or dad, and now I don’t even know how to talk to them in a happy, healthy way.”
If you want to rebuild and reconnect, Shields suggests starting by asking the other person these five questions.
1. “What kind of relationship do you want us to build from here?”
Shields recalls clients who thought their parents were perfectly content with the widening chasm between them—only to discover that mom or dad didn’t know how to express they actually longed for a closer bond. Until you talk about what you both want out of your relationship, hold off on any assumptions. Once you’ve communicated your intentions, work on devising what Shields describes as a “future game plan,” or a way to ensure that you both remain dedicated to reviving the relationship. “If you don’t plan,” she says, “good intentions fall apart.”
2. “What’s one habit you hope we both keep practicing?”
Maybe you can vow to get less defensive, while your mom pledges not to offer unsolicited advice and your dad commits to actually asking you questions. Talking candidly about specific behaviors to prioritize “acknowledges the humanity in us,” Shields says. “It’s the humility of, ‘I don’t always get this right, and neither do you, and sometimes we’re going to fumble.’”
Read More: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can
Yet you’re also going to keep striving to be better. As Shields puts it, “We both have room to grow, and we both want to grow, because having a close relationship matters to us.”
3. “What’s a small, real way we can stay connected that works for both of us?”
Staying in touch is hard even for those most dedicated to it. It can be helpful to talk through ways of nurturing connection that feel doable—which doesn’t necessarily mean a scheduled phone call or video chat. Maybe you could go on a walk together every Sunday morning, collaborate on a shared Spotify playlist, or read the same book at the same time once a month.
Make sure whatever you opt for feels fulfilling and feasible on both sides, because that will help ensure enduring gains in closeness.
4. “What’s one thing I did this week that helped you feel seen or understood?”
There are things each of us do that (we think) let our loved ones know we care. But are they the right use of our time and energy? There’s one way to find out: Ask your family member what they value the most, Shields suggests, and then prioritize doing much more of it.
Read More: 9 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Parents
That might mean remembering to ask your sister how her presentation at work went, complimenting your mom’s cooking, or offering to babysit your grandkids so their parents can have a night to themselves.
5. “What helps us find our way back when we drift? How can we recognize it sooner, and reach for each other with care?”
Inevitably, time and space and other obstacles will start to gnaw away at your relationships. “Life happens, things get in the way, and there will be conflict and tension, because we’re humans,” Shields says.
Acknowledge that—and make it clear that you care about each other and are committed to being in each other’s lives. Remind your friend or family member that hard times are a normal part of healthy relationships, and then talk through how you’ll navigate them in the future.
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