7 Ways to Handle Your Rude Neighbor

Home is where the heart is, sure. It might also be where the volume-cranking, heavy-footed, parking spot-stealing neighbors are, seemingly just waiting to annoy you.

But even the most inconsiderate neighbors deserve empathy. Though it might be hard to remember in the heat of the moment, the people who live around you want to enjoy their space as much as you do yours. “So often, when our emotions get the best of us, we forget the humanity of it all,” says Lindsey Rae Ackerman, a marriage and family therapist and vice president of clinical services at Clear Behavioral Health in Los Angeles. That’s why she suggests approaching annoying neighbors with short, simple requests, and operating under the assumption that they didn’t know they were bothering you. “It’s amazing how far that goes,” she says.

We asked experts exactly what to say when your neighbors are ruining your peace.

“Hey, I just wanted to check in. The music last night went past midnight, and I was feeling it this morning.”

If you were up all night counting the beats in your neighbor’s music instead of tallying sheep, approach him or her when you’re well-rested, so you’re less likely to snap. Ackerman suggests phrasing your request in a collaborative way: “Do you think we could find a quiet window after 10 p.m. on weeknights so we can both get enough sleep?”

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“It’s rooted in problem-solving,” she says. “It’s not, ‘You did this wrong,’ or, ‘You have to do this better.’” Instead, try: “I’m struggling because of something that’s happening in your space, so I’m coming to you to collaborate on solutions.” That tends to be much more effective than personal attacks or barking orders at someone—like yelling at them to turn it down at the same volume of the songs you heard all night.

“You probably don’t know this, but your dog barks for hours at a time, and I work from home. I’m curious if there are any alternatives you’d be open to considering for his care during the day?”

This is a tough one, Ackerman says, because doggie daycare is expensive—and it’s possible your neighbor’s pet is dealing with anxiety or just started a new training program. At the same time, “the noise situation is very, very difficult,” especially when you’re trying to focus or take an important call from home.

When you approach your neighbor, do so in a friendly, compassionate way; it doesn’t hurt to mention how cute Scout is before segueing into your complaint. Kindly explain how the constant barking is affecting your day, and ask if they’re open to brainstorming solutions, like arranging out-of-the-house daycare a couple times a week. 

“Preface it with, ‘Look, I get it. I understand this isn’t easy,’” Ackerman says. “‘I know I’m coming to you with a problem that’s not necessarily easy to solve.’” Then, follow through with patience as you work together to improve the situation, rather than expecting it to resolve overnight.

“Would you mind smoking in another direction? I’d really appreciate it.”

You have the right to breathe fresh, clean air—but depending on where you live, your neighbor might also be entitled to light up on their balcony or in their backyard. Give them the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that they probably don’t realize how their habit is affecting you, and then pointing out that the smoke is drifting directly into your living room and sticking to your furniture, suggests Jeff Gardere, a professor of psychology at Touro University in New York.

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You could also share if you have a condition like asthma or are otherwise sensitive to smoke; vulnerability is often a strength in conflict resolution. No matter the exact words you use, “I’d deliver the request with a smile,” Gardere says, “just to show that I’m friendly and don’t mean to spoil their fun.”

“Hey, I can hear footsteps in the evenings—our building’s like that. Would you be open to rugs or maybe just keeping it lighter after 9?”

You might be convinced you live below Bigfoot—but perhaps that’s just the way sound travels in your building. Small changes like rugs are surprisingly effective, Ackerman says, and making a specific request means your neighbor doesn’t have to do any guesswork.

It’s also a good idea to make it clear you don’t think they’re at fault: “Our floors are so thin. I’m sure you could be as quiet as a mouse, and I’d still hear it.”

“That keeps it from being too personal,” she says. “You’re evening the playing field—it’s very collaborative in nature and preserves their personal dignity, since you’re not shaming them for anything.”

“I had a little surprise on my shoe as I was walking out to my car yesterday.”

Sure, it’s a generous way to describe the pile of dog poop smeared all over your Nikes. But this approach manages to frame the situation in a neutral way, without assuming your neighbor was deliberately trying to disturb you, says Larry Schooler, a professor of conflict resolution at the University of Texas at Austin.

He suggests adding: “I know it’s not easy to keep Baxter off other people’s yards. Is there something we can do to prevent another accident in the future?” Maybe, for example, you could leave some poop bags on your front porch; you might argue that you shouldn’t have to, but the extra effort may be worth it.

“I’ve noticed sometimes cars are blocking my driveway/shared spot, and it makes it hard for us to get in and out. Would it be possible to make sure that space stays clear?”

If your neighbor is driving you up the wall by blocking your driveway or taking your assigned parking spot, catch them at a neutral time—when they’re not rushing out the door to get to work, for example. Explain exactly what’s happening and then politely ask them to stop doing it, which is more effective than issuing a command, says Pamela Eyring, president of the Protocol School of Washington, which provides etiquette training programs.

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She suggests adding: “If you ever need extra space in a pinch, let me know. I’m happy to help if I can.” Showing that you’re flexible helps turn the situation into a partnership, Eyring says, while nurturing a neighborly bond.

“This is awkward, but your windows face into my living room. Would you consider curtains or blinds so we both have some extra privacy?”

You’re reading a book or watching the news, and—oh, is that your neighbor in the nude? If you’re privy to a daily show you’d rather not see, it’s reasonable to bring it up, Gardere says.

Lighten the mood by telling your neighbor that their windows are giving you a clear view of their private space and moments—not that you’re looking. (Said with a laugh.) Gardere suggests adding: “Believe me, if my windows gave that same view, I’d be upset if you didn’t tell me.” Then suggest installing curtains (or remembering to utilize them if they’re already there).